Royal Rumble

I used to watch WWF wrestling at my old neighbor's house because my parents didn't like it (and rightfully so). My personal favorite was the Royal Rumble. It was when 4 men started in the ring, but as time went by more and more people started entering. The way to defeat an opponent was not by pinning, but by physically throwing them over the ropes and out of the ring. The only way to get this done was by catching someone completely off guard, or waiting until he was more tired than you. On top of that, the chances of you fighting multiple people at the same time were significantly high. As kid I loved to watch these displays of "brute strength" regardless of the fact that everything was staged.

My point of introduction is to give a glimpse of my last couple weeks. I feel like I am in the midst of a Royal Rumble, except no one is fighting against each other as all their attention is fixed on me. When I think I am ready to throw one out, another lands a shot to throw me off balance. I feel pinned in at every angle with no sign of relief. Probably the strangest part of all of this is my time spent with God is still as sweet as ever. I look forward to reading, studying and praying, but I agonize leaving that time. I ache physically, emotionally, and spiritually at the thought of heading back into the ring. I told my roommate the other day how I would love nothing more than to spend my days in presence of the Lord through Scripture, prayer, and study. I don't say this out of self-righteousness, but out of a genuine love for basking in the presence of my Savior. While this is obvously a wonderful thing, it is not so wonderful when I find it impossible to soak in His grace outside of those times. This makes the ring seem more like my "last stand." I am the tired wrestler who has been in since the beginning of the rumble, aimlessly swinging, and praying one of those swings lands somewhere. Part of me hopes one of my adversaries will fling me over the ropes, while the other clings to the last strand of hope I have left. I know He's in the ring somewhere, but the suplexes and flying elbows have made my vision blurry.

concrete plans

My current go-around with the book of Proverbs has been a lot tougher, and yet more pleasant than any of my previous encounters. One reason might be the manner in which I am reading it. Instead of simply reading and jotting down ideas, I am categorizing the entire book as best as I can. I got the idea from Mark Driscoll after watching one of his sermon series over the course of last year. My Bible is littered with tiny symbols marking most of the verses. My categories list grew in the first couple of chapters, but then maxed out after ten or so. The categories include being wise in finances, relationships, work, speech, and a couple of others. Being the product of a computer geek father (no offense Big Guy), I put my results onto a spreadsheet so I could refer back to it whenever I wanted a specific verse regarding one of the categories. To be honest, the process has been rather exciting! (Okay, now who's the geek?) At this point, I am a little more than halfway through, and my chart is filling up on a daily basis. The blessing has been to see how much God has to say about a lot of the issues we get bogged down with. The wisdom of God should (and does) infiltrate every aspect of life!

The category causing the most wrestling (and blessing) undoubtedly revolves around vision. This came as no surprise to me seeing that my vision is the most clouded it has been in a long while. In one aspect, I can see what is directly in front of me, so I am content. However, what's around the next corner makes me anxious because I don't know what's on the other side. In essence, I feel a little like Samwise Gamgee (my favorite fictional character of all time). He is able to find joy in the moments with his "Master" Frodo, but agonizes over the unforeseen shadows growing ever closer. My heart wrestles over letting God possibly wreck all my plans and establish new ones. Actually, I even wrestle over Him doing nothing to thwart my intentions. My two-faced heart wants to let Him do some rearranging, but only if the damage is minimal.

My experience in Proverbs over the past month has revealed that God has a lot to say about what I thought was a "unique" situation. Proverbs 16:9 says, "The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps." Humiliation set in the moment I read this verse. My vision was that of a fool. (Solomon's usage of this word throughout Proverbs cannot be understated because it is exactly how we act). I convinced myself that it was I who not only planned my way, but saw my plans to fruition. Heart's all better, right? Wrong! The very next chapter deals the knockout punch. "The discerning sets his face towards wisdom, but the eyes of a fool are on the ends of the earth." (17:24, emphasis added). T-K-O. Only now is my heart ready for what God has in store for me. In my humiliation I have learned the sovereignty of our God. He doesn't want my eyes fixed on the corner ahead or even the ground in front of me. He wants them on Him! Anywhere else leads to foolishness. Apparently, the tough part about reading Proverbs has been the Spirit's exposing of this foolishness, while the blessing comes from the wisdom gained. Proverbs equates wisdom to the fear of the Lord, and Proverbs 19: 23 says, "The fear of the Lord leads to life, and whoever has it rests satisfied."

If you're light of heart, you may want to skip this

I went to Between Two Worlds this evening because the post title 99 balloons caught my attention. It was in reference to this.

Seeing that my one of my siblings just had a baby while another is expecting one in June, I couldn't help but be amazed at this young couple's faith. I tend to act like Jonah when the little pleasures of life get taken from me. This couple responded in faith to the loss of one of the most precious blessings God bestows upon His image bearers. As scared as I am, my prayer is that of Job, "God gives. God takes. God's name be ever blessed."

100 days of holiness

My experience over the weekend can be divided into two parts. Part 1 consists of what God taught me directly from His Word. It stems from the morning and evening sessions along with the discussions I had with some youths afterwards. Part 1 aims to strip away the designed intent of the retreat. The focus of Part 2 revolves around the current struggles and wrestling matches I am engaged in. Some of it pulls ideas from the weekend's theme, but a lot of it is a product of time spent worshiping, meditating, and being alone with my Prophet, Priest, and King. Part 1 is as follows...

The title of my post sums up the challenge placed before all participants of the retreat. Over the next 100 days, holiness is my goal. However, the challenge is not so much about being perfect as it is fulfilling the intent of holiness: being set apart. The weekend's speaker emphasized what the desire of every Christian should be. He wanted us to see holiness as not being without sin as much as allowing ourselves to be set apart for Christ. A lot of the material echoed the content in the Unfashionable book I am reading again with my band of brothers. Too often we get caught up trying to make a difference by blending in with those around us. We try to be a "holier" parallel to what this world is offering, when we should be a stark contrast. Holiness requires us to set ourselves apart from the world because we serve a God whose ways are the opposite of what we are being fed. The 100 days starts off by acknowledging one area we feel God wants us to be set apart in. It might be giving something up or taking something on, depending on what we feel God wants from us. As the days continue, we are wait with expectancy for God to shine His light on other areas needing to be set apart. The desire is to see how much cleaning God does in us as we commit ourselves to being set apart for His glory. We were reminded how the pain and awkwardness will test us, but the blessings will last an eternity.

The beginning of my 100 days revolves my mind. God has graciously blessed me with an intelligent mind that loves to read and learn. However, in my fallen state, this blessing has become one of my curses. What God designed for His glory, I have turned into a collection of rubbish and junk. The Bible is full of passages detailing how depraved the human mind truly is (try Romans). Together with the heart, it sinfully wants nothing to do with Christ unless prompted by the Spirit. I have learned this reality the hard way. Paul tells us to be transformed in our minds from the selfish pattern we were once enslaved to. My mind jumps back and forth between being transformed and conformed. To be holy (set apart), my focus should be on only that which is true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent, and praiseworthy (I may have missed one). Therefore God has challenged me to remove the junk I allow to fill my mind. A lot of this junk comes in the form of comedic, yet entirely unwholesome television programs and movies. I try to convince myself of their inability to affect my thinking, but I have learned the temptation is the greatest when I open the door. I am starting here and waiting to see where God's holiness leads me next. Honestly, I am kinda nervous because I can name some things already that need fixing, but I am not sure if I am ready to let them go.

Relief for Haiti

I hope to put out a post detailing my weekend with the youth, but I received an email this morning which stole my attention.

I will preface everything by saying my heart breaks as I look at the devastation in Haiti. I watched a program last night which depicted the streets of Haiti echoing the mass graves from Holocaust concentration camps. It was a sickening and haunting sight. I have never interacted with a Haitian, but three experiences to third world countries have put people like them close to my heart. So, while I grieve alongside them, I also recognize the sovereignty of God. I have no explanation for why this happened, but I firmly believe God is still in control. Because of this I can pray, in faith, for healing and restoration to this grieving nation.

On our trip, the youth leaders planned to collect donations which could be sent with groups either serving or getting ready to serve in Haiti. We passed around a basket on Sunday morning, and were able to collect around $150 from students, leaders, and everyone else on the trip. While we were grateful for the amount received, we felt God wanted more, especially in light of the weekend we had just spent learning from Him. On the bus ride home we decided to try again at raising funds for those in need. The end result was truly a blessing! Between two buses and a couple vans, our group came up with over $700 for the people of Haiti! Needless to say, this left all the leaders, including myself, speechless. God reminded me once again of how much joy He blesses us with when we give as well as the impact His body can have on this earth. I doubt I was ever more proud to be in the company of 100+ high-schoolers. In the grand scheme of things, $700 amounts to merely peanuts, but they might be the best peanuts I have ever tasted!

familiar footsteps?

Tomorrow I embark upon my first winter retreat since my senior year of high school in 2004. I am heading back to nights of little sleep, rampant flatulence, mild pranks, and high school humor. While these don't necessary scream excitement for me anymore, I am stoked about this trip. First off, I have Monday off, which means a day to recover and stay up-to-date with my work. The real reason is the relationship building I anticipate, particularly with the young men in my small group. I can still recall a lot of the conversations I had with various youth leaders at our winter retreats. The hours not spent sleeping were typically spent discussing what we believed God was doing in our lives, and how it should change the way we lived. I am eager for the uninterrupted time to talk about the things of God with a group of freshman still learning what a life for Christ involves. Thus far, our group has made small strides towards establishing Christ-centered relationships as brothers, and I know God will be faithful in helping us made significant leaps and bounds in that direction.

Having said that, I also enter this weekend with a considerable level of vulnerability and discomfort. Most times winter retreats, such as these, take us to the top of mountain only to have us come crashing down by mid-week. I experienced this rush every winter during high school. Now that I am older, I know what expect more than ever. Instead of focusing on the emotional experience (which we tend to live for), I am going in ready to experience our great God. My eyes, ears, and heart are opened to the Word of God, hoping it will penetrate the areas He deems unholy. I know He has me going for growth as much as the students. I am never beyond the need for sanctification and re-centering, which is why I head off with an anxious excitement.

The glory of being freed from myself

My "band of brothers" and I are currently working through Unfashionable as a part of our study. I read the book over the summer, and thought it might be a good book for a group of guys trying to make a difference for Christ in this world. We are nearing its completion, and it has been a blessing to see the Spirit working in our midst on both a group and individual level. One topic I overlooked when I read the book on my own and with the group talked about the freedom we have in Christ. Most times I look at my freedom as solely the freedom from my sin. While this is a truly beautiful and amazing blessing, it is not the only thing I have been set free from. Christ's death and resurrection released me from myself. I am relieved of my desire for individualism: the desire to be left to myself. For most of my life, I thought individualism was a blessing. I spent many nights in college all alone because I thought it was what made me most joyful (Note that time for oneself is sometimes necessary, but it shouldn't be our deepest desire). Only now, do I realize the amount of growth I had available to me through other people. I missed out because I was still a slave to myself.

Over the past few years, God has graciously allowed me to taste the freedom from individualism. My regenerated heart now aches when I am absent from my brothers (and sisters). I get excited about new things I am learning because I know there are people around me to share with. I also get the great (and sometimes uncomfortable) pleasure of letting them speak into my life for both encouragement and reproof. I experienced this truth afresh over the Christmas break and, more recently, in the last week.

While at home I got to talk with one of my spiritual "uncles" (the title I give for the handful of men who have had a significant role in my spiritual development, but not to the level of my father) about my current state of affairs, and what God's plan for me is down the road. Since my current wrestling match with God is over these issues, I wasn't too sure how much I wanted to reveal. Evidently God had already decided to let my "uncle" do some speaking for Him. He spoke challenging and encouraging words directly to the heart my future endeavors. Did he provide a clear-cut answer for which path God wants me on? Actually, my vision is even cloudier than it was before. However, it drove me to the place I continually forget to go: the throne of grace.

The other example came last night after spending most of the day with one of the closest brothers I have in my band. I shared the aforementioned experience with my "uncle," and where I felt it left me. This brother probed more into my thinking and wrestling to get me to be more open (this particular brother has a knack for this). He successfully opened me up like a peanut shell at a baseball game. I didn't necessarily want him to, but I am certain God did. With the information I gave he was able to add wisdom and encouragement to the advice of my "uncle." I didn't leave any better off with him either, but I wasn't by myself. This particular match is still far from over. However, I am learning that tag-team is allowed.

My other kids

Most of my posts thus far have revolved around the 4th graders God is using to teach me more about Himself. While I am yet to exhaust the lessons to be learned, I can't ignore the teachings of another group of slightly older youngsters God has graciously allowed me to work with. These young gentlemen reside in my church's youth group and are of the age of high school freshman. For those who may be wondering, I am not trying to relive my high school years vicariously through them. I simply allowed the challenges of a close friend and the effectiveness of God's Word to move me from speech into action. We have had fairly good discussions up to this point, and I am looking forward to our retreat next weekend to really "dig in" with these young men. Last night, however, was a real blessing when I wasn't expecting much to come out of it.

Originally, we planned to meet at the youth pastor's house to discuss the holiday and prepare for the upcoming retreat. However, a snow skiing event kicked off last night, which meant most of the students would probably be at the slopes from early evening until later that night. We decided to meet at the lodge with the hope of catching a good handful of the students during dinner/get warm break. I went along with the idea with mixed emotions despite selfishly not wanting to drive there and run the risk of being cold. When all was said and done, only five guys stayed around long enough to engage in meaningful conversation, but the conversation turned out to be a blessing regardless of my limited faith expecting nothing.

The topics included issues such as "can we lose our salvation," will we really be held accountable for everything we do on earth," and "how can we be sure of our salvation?" Now, I don't claim to be an expert on these issues, but I know they were (and sometimes can be) areas I grappled with when I was their age. I got an excellent opportunity to delve into the hearts of these young men as they learned what it means to live for Christ and be found in Him. As the night wore on, I was able to share my wrestling matches over these tough questions along with the peace I found from God by reading His Word. In addition, these five guys paid no attention to the fact that we were in a public place with our Bibles sprawled out on the table for all to see. They came to learn about God and fellowship with others without any regard for what everyone else might have thought. I left feeling encouraged to see God actively working in the lives of today's youth (when all the data says He must have stopped) and challenged by their boldness amongst peers.

Happy New Year!

I'm not one for New Year's Resolutions. They never last because they are typically thought up on a whim with little desire to see them come to fruition. So, I am going to skip the detailed plan of what I am going to change in 2010. Instead, I am simply going to jot down a couple of thoughts I picked up after reading Tim Keller's Counterfeit Gods. The book provides an excellent glimpse into our hearts in order to see what we worship instead of Christ. It made me uncomfortable as the light of truth exposed my own gods, and yet encouraged as the Spirit quickly began the process of cleaning house.

The part which spoke the loudest came towards the end of the book. Keller had just used the analogy of Eustace from The Voyage of the Dawn Treader to describe how idolatry corrupts our hearts, turning us into ravenous beasts. He summed up this effect with these words, "we become like what we worship." When we worship the things of this world, even the blessings God graciously gives us, we turn into ugly creatures. On the flip side, when we worship Christ we reflect more of His image. I guess the real question I am left with is, "what am I like?" From that question I should be able to recognize who (or what) I am worshiping. On the cusp of a new year, my intent is to worship Christ alone and become more and more like Him. I spent many years operating on the other side of the coin and the sight is far from pretty.