Wednesday, April 28, 2010

"date" night

I would have left the title unadulterated, but I was afraid. Before any family members got overly excited about the prospects of a date, I decided to make sure "date" was in quotes. I didn't want to be the cause of any false hope or unfulfilled expectations.

Tomorrow night I have dinner plans with one of the special ladies in my life. When the year started I had four, but that number has grown to five since mid-November. They are all special to me for different reasons, and I cherish my relationship with each (although Lydia's is taking some work given her fear of people right now).

Anyways my plans are with lady #3 (in order of appearance in the Derek life-story, not rank). This particular lady come on the scene when I was but a young pup. From the moment we met, a close bond quickly developed. We would spend hours together in her playpen or chilling on my parent's bed. She was my little buddy, especially given the abuse I took from my elder siblings (I have scars and a mutilated polar bear to validate my point). As we grew up, I played Barbies, yup Barbies, board games, and many other things with her. Once the middle school years hit, those activities stopped, and she drifted to background. However, we tried to make time for one another when we could. This continued until my the middle of my senior year in high school.

By this point I had much more free time given my decision not to swim. My romantic relationship was also on the fringes of extinction, so we plunged back into the good old days of our youth. We grouped up against my parents to make fun of and abuse them (in nice ways). Giving her rising fame as an 8th grade lacrosse player, I became one of her many adoring fans. I led the band wagon which drove right to a league championship. When summer hit, the other siblings came back from college, so we fostered those relationships more during those months.

Over the course of the next four years, my relationship with lady #3 continued to flourish. She came to visit at times or called to inform me about the shenanigans of our father. When feeling down or in need of a good laugh, she could always be counted on to pull through. I continued my role of passionate lacrosse fan throughout her high school years, since my semester ended before her season did. The summers were spent working and with old friends, but there was still ample time to enjoy each other's company. While on family vacations, we took on the title of being one another's "vacation dates" given the dating, engagements, and marriages of our older siblings. Personally, I think we had more fun because if we got sick of each we simply said so.

Eventually the roles switched as she moved away for college, and I journeyed back home to relieve my parents of any "empty nest" anxiety. Quickly, she made new friends while working hard at her studies. Keeping in touch became harder, but it made holidays and vacations all the more sweet. Once again I played the part of number one fan during her first season as a collegiate athlete. I journeyed with the 'rents to games all over eastern and central Pennsylvania for the sake of watching her (and being with dad and mom). I had fun.

This year watched me head out closer to her school of choice to teach my fourth graders. I wasn't sure how this would affect our relationship given the closer proximity between us. It has been good for me because I get to cook for her every so often as well as hang out with her during other informal settings. The part that has really excited me is the new spin to our relationship.

Prior to this past year, faith never really held sway between the two of us. We would talk occasionally about it, but not to any significant extent. I think the close distance between us has changed this. We exchange emails and calls about what God is doing in our lives as well as how we can encourage one another. She isn't afraid to ask me tough questions which require me to go back to the Source in order to offer her wisdom while challenging myself. God has truly blessed me with the spiritual maturation He is working at with her. Plus as her older brother, I am rejoicing to watch her fall more and more in love with her Savior. She is one of my closest friends and beloved sister. I am blessed.





Sunday, April 25, 2010

mr. lonely

As youths my brother and I enjoyed listening to music. Given our small living quarters, the thought of playing both our music at the same time was impossible. Therefore, we grew to like the same genres of music or learned to tolerate where we disagreed. It was through music where we shared many laughs together. We would either sing to our hearts contentment or make fun of one another because of the song one of us was listening to and enjoying. One of the songs we both enjoyed was Mr. Lonely. Maybe it was because of our tendency to overvalue our boyhood crushes and heartbreaks, but one can only guess. We burned it on one of his mixed CD's in order to enjoy the song at a moment's notice. Those were truly some of the good old days.

Years removed I still find myself singing, or at least contemplating, Mr. Lonely. The premise of the song is a soldier stationed somewhere apart from his loved ones. He feels completely isolated, deserted, and alone. The songs finishes with the lines, lonely, I'm Mr. Lonely, I'm wishing that I could go back home as an official declaration of identity: a loner with nowhere to go. God's Spirit is challenging me through the books of Habakkuk and Isaiah against adopting this song as my own.

Once again, God shows how much we are like the men and women of Scripture, typically at their worst. While Habakkuk never declares his loneliness, his first complaint offers a hint at it. O Lord, how long shall I cry for help, and you will not hear? Obviously his biggest issue is God's seeming lack of regard for the injustices around him. However, he is also voicing his feelings of abandonment. He is struggling to sense the presence of God in the midst of suffering. He is asking, "am I alone?" He wonders whether the God of the Abrahamic covenant will be faithful or write off His people. He believes the former, but, in his heart, fears the latter. Here is a glimpse of what Christ experienced over the course of His final hours on earth. His disciples left Him alone and deserted without a friend. Jesus new exactly what it felt like to be alone. However, He trusted in the faithfulness of His heavenly Father in the midst of absolute peril. He did not resolve to despair, but labored on. Habakkuk's, like Christ's, feeling of loneliness remained only a feeling.

My problem is I am not like Christ or, even, Habakkuk. I take the natural feelings of loneliness and turn them into the sin of loneliness. How? I let them drive me to a place of despair because I actually begin to believe I am alone. I take on the identity of Mr. Lonely. Sure, I have plenty of support and fellowship with friends and family. There are people all around me able to cure my loneliness. Why else would God create us for relationships? Their job is to keep me from starting to believe in the reality of my loneliness. With them around there is no reason why I should despair. Why then was Jesus able to avoid such despair when all His human relationships fell apart? How could He keep from falling into the sin of loneliness when I struggle to get out of it?

Jesus didn't put his trust in relationships. He wasn't in them for their company. That was simply a bonus. He knew that every relationship, no matter how intimate cannot satisfy our loneliness. We need something more. The people around can help ease the pain, but they won't remove it altogether. Only our Father has that ability. Why else would He get up early and seek out His Father every morning? We fall into sin when we look for others to fulfill the role of the Father, Son, and Spirit. Our relationships should point us to our need for Him, not make us feel capable apart from Him. He is the one who gave us life, sustains life, and gives everlasting life. We should feel alone when we are removed from Him because the loneliness should draw us back. It becomes sin when we let it drive us further away and begin to embrace it. God knows this, which is why He offers us plenty of reminders about who He is and what He can do. The book of Isaiah is filled with these promises. They remove our loneliness as our eyes fix on Him who satisfies all.

...that you may know that it is I, the Lord, the God of Israel, who call you by your name...I call you by your name, I name you (45:3&4)
...even to your old age I am he, and to gray hairs, I will carry you. I have made and I will bear; I will carry and will save. (46:4)
The Lord called me from the womb, from the body of my mother he named my name (49:1)
...because of the Lord, who is faithful, the Holy One of Israel, who has chosen you (49:7)
Behold, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands (49:16)

Monday, April 19, 2010

Not done yet

(A quick side note before I start is needed. Danielle, I noticed the other day that you have destroyed me in the unofficial and in my head posting competition. I mean 173 to 63 isn't even fair! For a while, I thought I could keep up, but the "curly one" has made it impossible. She's doing way too many cute things for me to counteract with by my own thoughts. I concede and admit defeat. Well played.)

Anyway, humbling myself by giving up was not the purpose of this post. I simply had to get it off my chest because it was wearing me down. With a new spring in my step I regain my focus...

I spent the last week living in the aftermath of my encounter with Habakkuk. To be brutally honest, it messed me up. The Spirit humiliated me and closed my mouth. Sadly, it has been a long time since I allowed the word of God to do some significant reconstruction on my life. There have been passages here and there, but not an entire book each time I picked it up. God showed me just how alive and active His Word is. It has the power to completely devastate our lives, along with the ability to pick us up afterward. Sometimes the devastation lasts longer, and we are forced to patiently wait for the rebuilding. I thought God was working on the rebuilding process, but quickly found out there were still areas left to be demolished.

One of the demolition sites revolved once again around my classroom, more importantly my outlook. Sunday's sermon focused on Christians being called to a life of service to both God and others. The key passage was Jesus washing the disciples' feet along with Matthew 20:28, The Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many. Obviously, I am fully aware of Christ's servant nature during His ministry. It's hard to read the gospels and not see that message bursting through the pages. However, it's very easy to forget what our service should look like. In my case, I successfully adopted the concept of service as my job. I thought my position automatically made me a servant. I didn't think any effort was needed outside of my responsibilities as loco parentis. Caring and comforting in the midst of teaching was serving. Or so I thought.

God's messenger reminded me of the true nature of service. It isn't a job, but an act of worship. Serving without a heart fixed to worship is not what Christ exemplified for us. Every act of service He performed was an act of worship first. His service was His expression of love for His Father and the wandering sheep. My service (if you can call it that) was my expression of earning my paycheck. It was absent of love for my Father and the precious little ones He placed in my care. As a result, all my attempts felt burdensome and unrewarding. The thought of service was like a ball and chain fastening around my arms and legs. And this type of service is not what Christ has called us to. Yes, serving can be hard, but it does not imprison or restrict. Service is our freedom!

When our service is spurred on by love, we experience the freedom Christ has gifted us. Why? Because love (from the Father through the Son) is freedom. It removes all barriers and burdens. We are no longer obligated to serve, but willingly do so as an expression of our love for our Father. We joyfully use our freedom to love Him who has loved us from the very beginning. We do this by serving Him as He sees fit as well as serving those around us. Our new vision allows us to view every opportunity to serve as an opportunity to express the freedom we have in Christ because of His great love. Service becomes our deepest desire because it's all for the One we love. Then, we can join Paul is claiming, for freedom Christ has set us free!

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Habakkuk's farewell

God has blessed my brief stay in Habakkuk. Again, it isn't the first time I read it, but it has definitely been humbling and uplifting at the same time. On my rankings of books in the Bible (not that I actually rank them for they are all beyond tangible value), Habakkuk has made a significant jump towards one of my favorites, especially in the Old Testament. I know the words of the book are the most important and powerful, but where God has me now also plays a significant role in my appreciation for this book.

For once in my life I was able to personally identify with one of God's prophets. All my knowledge up to this point had these men on a different spiritual playing field than myself (at least in my mind). They were holier than me, or else God wouldn't have chosen them, right? Wrong! These men, Habakkuk in particular, were just like me. They loved God, but struggled in the midst of the everyday trials and tribulations. What God was showing them was hard to swallow, and, sometimes, they took issue with it. They sinned and God leveled them, but graciously pulled them back up. They grew weary, but God's strength carried them through. Habakkuk was simply where God opened my eyes.

I must confess my last posts were biblically out of order. God promised to show himself first, and then called for silence before Him. Whatever the order, my eyes and heart needed to hear those two things. Unlike Habakkuk, God chose to silence me first before telling me that He is at work. Like Habakkuk, my complaints had reached his ears and past His diving patience. Since being humbled by God's holiness and sovereignty, He has been showing me glimpses of His hand. My complaints are slowly turning to prayers of thanksgiving and surrender like those of Habakkuk towards the end of his book. Eventually, God will replace them altogether with declarations of complete trust in His will. My prayers and songs will echo Habakkuk's and provide me with the hope I need to face the road ahead.

Though the fig tree should not blossom, nor fruit be on the vines, the produce of the olive fail and the field yield no food, the flock be cut off from the fold and there be no herd in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the Lord; I will take joy in the God of my salvation. God, the Lord, is my strength; he makes my feet like the deer's; he makes me tread on my high places. ~Habakkuk 3:17-19

Saturday, April 10, 2010

post silence

Typically whenever God calls us to be silent before Him we cannot leave His presence unchanged (I know that's a double negative, but I like it). He will always magnify Himself in that time while also showing us our need for repentance. I spent various moments over the past few days dwelling in God's presence without speaking. Where I usually would sit and bring my requests before Him (and there were many), I felt led to simply be still. I asked nothing of Him except to reveal what He wanted from me. As I sat and waited, my mind was rushed with verse after verse from the Bible. Surprisingly there wasn't a specific theme or thought to them. Instead, I was flooded with the entirety of God's Word. God was speaking to me the same way He has spoken to all His children from eternity past: through His Word. How stupid am I to forget His Word is more than merely letters printed on a page? It really is living and active. I only needed to close my mouth and start reading with a desire to listen not just understand.

As the flooding slowly decreased, God ended my moments of silence with promises from His Word. God showed me His faithfulness, comfort, refuge, strength, forgiveness, and so much more by simply bringing His Word to the forefront of my mind. With that, He called me back to where the silence began in the book of Habakkuk. Look among the nations, and see; wonder and be astounded. For I am doing a work in your days that you would not believe if told (1:5).

Before I got too excited God called me to read the rest of the passage so as not to hear it as a "health and wealth" message. God's declaration to me was two-fold: (1) He is doing something and (2) I don't believe Him. Regardless of what I think is happening God is at work. The fruition of His work may not be seen in this lifetime, but that doesn't matter. Something great is going on behind the scenes. The greatness is not just for me to see, but all peoples. People are going to stand before Him amazed when He is finished. That is enough for me to be joyful and continue to labor because I know it is not in vain.

Unfortunately, God showed me my lack of faith in Him right after this encouragement. I am the person who has been told what God is doing, but failed to believe it. My inability to see the end results squashed my desire to endure. I wanted to whine and complain instead of have faith. I found it easier to do that than believe. Graciously God pointed me to someone else who had the same problem. This time it wasn't Habakkuk or one of the other well known leaders of the faith. It was the father of a boy possessed by a demon. He came to Jesus to ask for healing. Jesus essentially asked him if he believed Jesus could heal his son. The father's response is the same as mine, I believe; help my unbelief!

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

when God says enough

My band of brothers is currently digesting the book of Habakkuk (yup, we've gone Old Testament) on our Wednesday night gatherings. We are actually in the midst of an extended period studying the latter prophets of the Old Testament. I have read the books before, but it is refreshing to discuss them with my brothers. We have tackled some of the "uncomfortable" topics of the faith, while reaffirming those we have come to love.

The book of Habakkuk starts off with two complaints the prophet has against God. The first centers around the Assyrian oppression facing Israel. Habakkuk rightly recognizes their complete disregard for God and His holiness. In response, God promises the Babylonians to come and wipe out the Assyrians, but still oppress Israel. As expected, Habakkuk raises his second complaint on God's ordaining one evil nation to replace another. It seems a bit off and confusing, but Habakkuk is reminded that God is God and we are not.

For those who follow my blog on a semi-usual basis, you may have started to hear the voice of Habakkuk coming through. Don't believe me? How about, O Lord, how long shall I cry for help, and you will not hear? (v. 2) or why do you idly look at traitors and remain silent...(v. 13)? It wasn't intentional, at least from my reference point. I have been offering up my complaints against the trials I am facing, and questioning God's decisions in the midst of them. Some days I echo David and the other psalmists by letting those complaints remind me of God's promises (see Psalm 13). These reminders then drive me to fall before the throne in a spirit of worship. These are the times I believe God is most glorified in the midst of our trials. When we can humbly come before Him with the harsh realities swirling around us but claim His promises above these realities, we are declaring Him to be sovereign and faithful. That is easier said than done.

My complaints typically stop and dwell on the realities. I fail to claim God's promises as my hope. They travel in one ear and out the other with no lasting effect. The result? I sound like a whiny, ungrateful child every time I approach my Father. Well, God may be patient, but He isn't a slouch. Like with Habakkuk (and every other complainer in the history of mankind), God eventually tells us "that is enough." I heard that a lot as a child with my dad, but there is something especially humbling when it comes from the throne of the King of heaven.

I am going to end the post with God's declaration because He should always have the final word, and because there was nothing left to say once I read it. I am left to follow what He has told me to do in this section of His Word without argument. It's not my first choice, but God isn't obligated to plan in accordance with my schedule.

But the Lord is in his holy temple; let all the earth keep silence before him.

Sunday, April 4, 2010

the stretch run

Tuesday marks the first day of the 4th marking period. This means the end is in sight, but not quite here yet. There is still a long road left to trek. Thankfully, this past weekend could not have come at a better time. I needed time away more than I realized. My resolve has been waining over recent weeks as well as my ability to love these kids the way Christ called me to. It all came to a head on the last school day of the week. On the ride home, the floodgates opened.

My spirit was broken over the constant burden of handling my students. Failed attempt after failed attempt to reach these kids finally became more than I could handle. My heart could not bear to see God's desire for His children constantly disregarded and unwanted. It wasn't a self-righteous attitude over the ways in which I am better than my students, but a Spirit-filled grief because it has been revealed to me through God's Word what He desperately desires for all His children. I am trying to put forth what I know is best for my students because it it what God declares is best. Seeing these desires trampled upon is heart breaking. The heart break finally reached the tipping point. In addition, the struggles in my classroom do not occur in isolation from the rest of my life. Other issues have been weighing heavily upon my heart in recent weeks, making this a season best characterized as hard.

Graciously, God has shown Himself faithful:
Who rises up for me against the wicked? Who stands up for me against evildoers?
If the Lord had not been my help, my soul would soon have lived in the land of silence.
When I thought, "My foot slips," your steadfast love, O Lord, held me up.
When the cares of my heart are many, your consolations cheer my soul.
~Psalm 94: 16-19

I was reminded of this passage many times over this Easter weekend. God showed the many benefits we receive because of Christ death on the cross and resurrection three days later. Obviously, and primarily, we are gifted salvation from Satan, sin, and death as the penalty of sin has been paid leaving us reconciled to the Father. That alone is enough reason for joy and praise throughout this lifetime and all of eternity. God, however, did not stop there. He showed me the hope and comfort that also comes from the cross and empty tomb. The very place where the severity of my sin and the glory of God's grace was revealed gives me all the strength I need to persevere.

I can bring my weary and tired self before Him because Christ did the same. I can bear my troubled soul out to Him because Christ did the same. I can weep in moments of brokenness because Christ did the same. I can beg Him for deliverance while submitting to His will because Christ did the same. And in those moments, I will find the strength, comfort, hope, and, yes, joy I am desperately in need of. Why? Because Christ received the same in His hour of greatest need.

I spent much of this past week praying in the Garden. I used Christ's example of how to approach the Father when the road ahead appears too much to bear. I held nothing back. And while I can't say whether or not angels came to attend to me, I do know my closest companions did not fall asleep. Time spent this weekend with friends and family reminded me of all those who consistently bear me up to the Father. More importantly, singing songs of Christ's resurrection brought the joy and comfort I needed. My life in Him provides me with the strength to press on.

It won't be an easy road. I am sure there will be plenty of more hours spent alone in the Garden. Even when the year is over, there will be more roads to travel, some tougher. Thankfully, my Father does not change, so neither will my song:
When the cares of my heart are many, your consolations cheer my soul.

Resurrection Sunday

Resurrection

Give me the assurance that in Christ I died, in him I rose, in his life I live, in his victory I triumph, in his ascension I shall be glorified.

Adorable Redeemer, thou who wast lifted upon a cross art ascended to highest heaven.

Thou, who as Man of sorrows, wast crowned with thorns, art now as Lord of life wreathed with glory.

Once, no shame more deep then thine, no agony more bitter, no death more cruel.

Now, no exaltation more high, no life more glorious, no advocate more effective.

Thou art in the triumph car leading captive thine enemies behind thee.

What more could be done than thou hast done! Thy death is my life, thy resurrection my peace, thy ascension my hope, thy prayers my comfort.

Saturday, April 3, 2010

Holy Saturday

Crucifixion and Resurrection

O Lord,
I marvel that thou shouldst become incarnate, be crucified, dead, and buried.
The sepulchre calls forth my adoring wonder, for it is empty and thou art risen; the four-fold gospel attests it, the living witnesses prove it, my heart's experience knows it.
Give me to die with thee that I may rise to new life, for I wish to be as dead and buried to sin, selfishness, to the world; that I mights not hear the voice of the charmer, and might be delivered from his lusts.
O Lord, there is much ill about me-crucify it, much flesh within me-mortify it.
Purge me from selfishness, the fear of man, the love of approbation, the shame of being thought old-fashioned, the desire to be cultivated or modern.
Let me reckon my old life dead because of crucifixion, and never feed it as a living thing.
Grant me to stand with my dying Saviour, to be content to be rejected to be wiling to take up unpopular truths, and to hold fast despised teachings until death.
Help me to be resolute and Christ-contained.
Never let me wander from the path of obedience to thy will.
Strengthen me for the battles ahead.
Give me courage for all the trials, and grace for all joys.
Help me to be a holy, happy person, free from every wrong desire, from everything contrary to thy mind.
Grant me more and more of the resurrection life: may it rule me, may I walk in its power, and be strengthened through its influence.

Friday, April 2, 2010

Good Friday

Love Lustres at Calvary

My Father,

Enlarge my heart, warm my affections, open my lips, supply words that proclaim ‘Love lustres at Calvary.’

There grace removes my burdens and heaps them on thy Son, made a transgressor, a curse, and sin for me.

There the sword of thy justice smote the man, thy fellow;

There thy infinite attributes were magnified, and infinite atonement was made;

There infinite punishment was due, and infinite punishment was endured.

Christ was all anguish that I might be all joy, cast off that I might be brought in, trodden down as an enemy that I might be welcomed as a friend, surrendered to hell’s worst that I might attain heaven’s best, stripped that I might be clothed, wounded that I might be healed, athirst that I might drink, tormented that I might be comforted, made a shame that I might inherit glory, entered darkness that I might have eternal light.

My Saviour wept that all tears might be wiped from my eyes , groaned that I might have endless song, endured all pain that I might have unfading health, bore a thorny crown that I might have a glory-diadem, bowed his head that I might uplift mine, experienced reproach that I might receive welcome, closed his eyes in death that I might gaze on unclouded brightness, expired that might for ever live.

O Father, who spared not thine only Son that thou mightest spare me,

All this transfer thy love designed and accomplished;

Help me to adore thee by lips and life.

O that my every breath might be ecstatic praise, my every step buoyant with delight, as I see my enemies crushed, Satan baffled, defeated, destroyed, sin buried in the ocean of reconciling blood, hell’s gates closed, heaven’s portal open.

Go forth, O conquering God, and show me the cross, mighty to subdue, comfort and save.

Thursday, April 1, 2010

Maundy Thursday

The Lord's Supper

God of All Good,
I bless thee for the means of grace; teach me to see in them thy loving purposes and the joy and strength of my soul.
Thou hast prepared for me a feast; and though I am unworthy to sit down as guest, I wholly rest on the merits of Jesus, and hide myself beneath his righteousness;
When I hear his tender invitation and see his wondrous grace,
I cannot hesitate, but must come to thee in love.
By thy Spirit enliven my faith rightly to discern and spiritually to apprehend the Saviour.
While I gave upon the emblems of my Saviour's death, may I ponder why he died, and hear him say 'I gave up my life to purchase yours, presented myself an offering to expiate your sin, shed my blood to blot out your guilt, opened my side to make you clean, endured your condemnation to satisfy divine justice.'
O may I rightly grasp the breadth and length of this design, draw near, obey, extend the hand, take the bread, receive the cup, eat and drink, testify before all men that I do for myself, gladly, in faith, reverence and love, receive my Lord, to be my life, strength, nourishment, joy, delight.
In the supper I remember his eternal love, boundless grace, infinite compassion, agony, cross, redemption, and receive assurance of pardon, adoption, life, glory.
As the outward elements nourish my body, so may thy indwelling Spirit invigorate my soul, until that day when I hunger and thirst no more, and sit with Jesus at his heavenly feast.