In the valley...

Lord, High and Holy, Meek and Lowly,

Thou has brought me to the valley of vision,

where I live in the depths but see thee in the heights...

Let me learn by paradox that the way down is the way up... that the broken heart is the healed heart, that the contrite spirit is the rejoicing spirit...that to have nothing is to possess all, that to bear the cross is to wear the crown... that the valley is the place of vision.

Lord, in the daytime stars can be seen from deepest wells, and the deeper the wells the brighter thy stars shine;

Let me find thy light in my darkness, thy life in my death, thy joy in my sorrow, thy grace in my sin, thy riches in my poverty, thy glory in my valley.

~The Valley Of Vision

Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your weary souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.

~Matthew 11:28-30

My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength (rock) of my heart and my portion forever.

~Psalm 73:26

"There is a time for everything"

That phrase is from Ecclesiastes 3:1. The second half of the verse says, "and a season for every activity under heaven." Right now, it seems like the only activity I have time for is teaching. Everything else takes a back seat, whether I want it to or not. However, there is one activity I am learning to enjoy now more than I ever did before: sports.

For those who know me, you must be thinking "well if that isn't the pot calling the kettle black, then I don't know what is!" I love sports: always have, always will. They were the foundation for my relationships with my father, brother, and other male friends. From there, grew a deeper appreciation for and fellowship with one another. However, my Achilles heal was how seriously I took that which I claimed to enjoy. My brother can tell you about many phone calls I made to him "from the edge." When my teams lost, I took it personally. I wanted nothing to do with anyone, because I needed time to be by myself. My love for sports morphed into a ugly worship of them because my identity was wrapped up in them instead of Christ (Romans 8:14-17). Thankfully, the Phillies won the World Series in 2008.

No you're thinking, "wait, how does that make sense?" The answer lies in that memorable October night sitting in my parents family room. I do remember the significant plays of the game, Harry's call of it on the radio, and the wild celebration afterwards. But the part I remembered most was my dad. I was filled with more joy seeing the huge smile spread across his face. I don't really know if the smile was because of the end of a long championship drought, but it didn't matter. Seeing the joy on his face, removed any care for what put it there.

Since then my attitude about sports has changed significantly. I still love to watch them all, but amongst friends and family (it adds the sheer enjoyment of fellowship to the excitement). I enjoy playing fantasy football (it helps me stay in touch with those who are not necessarily in the area). My family runs a suicide league over the course of the NFL season, which is loads of fun (we trash talk in love and laugh about it when we are able to get together). The fullest realization of this came last night as three of us watched one of the most exciting Phillies (and baseball for that matter) games I have ever seen. Clutch hitting and late-inning rallies never get old. But they're just another gift I have grown to take for granted when my focus should be on the Giver.

my lament

Today was not a good day. Everything that could possibly go wrong seemed to head that way right off the bat. I talked with family and friends to lament my frustrations, but found little relief. I was about to call it a day when I grabbed my Bible. (Why this is my last resort I don't know.) Here is what our God spoke to me through His Spirit, which I hope encourages you:

"But this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope: The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases, his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning, great is your faithfulness. "The Lord is my portion," says my soul, "therefore I will hope in him." The Lord is good to those who wait for him, to the soul who seeks him. It is good that one should wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord. It is good for a man that he bear the yoke in his youth." ~Lamentations 3:21-27 (ESV)

"Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think according to the power at work within us, to him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen" ~Ephesians 4:20-21

call me Gomer

My sister and brother-in-law introduced me to singer/songwriter Andrew Peterson when they lived in Nashville. I thoroughly enjoy his music, more so because the lyrics are genuine, profound, and, sometimes, uncomfortable. My favorite song of his is called "Hosea" as it recalls God's call for Hosea to marry an adulterous prostitute named Gomer. It was originally my favorite because it reminded me of where I was before Christ reached out to save me. However, I am convinced now, more than ever, it is my favorite because it tells MY ongoing story. You can call me Gomer.

Every time I lay in the bed beside you, Hosea, Hosea, I hear the sound of the streets of the city. My belly growls like a hungry wolf and I let it prowl till my belly’s full. Hosea, my heart is a stone.

Please believe me when I say I’m sorry, Hosea, Hosea, you lovable, gullible man. I tell you that my love is true till it fades away like a morning dew. Hosea, leave me alone.

Here I am in the Valley of Trouble. Just look at the bed that I've made: badlands as far as I can see. There’s no one here but me, Hosea.

This epitomizes my relationship with Christ. He is the faithful husband, and I am the adulterous prostitute. As He pours His love into me, I am wondering the "streets of the city" looking for something more tangible, but less satisfying. When I come back, my actions show grief, but that grief fades next morning. He still receives me only to watch me fall away over and over again. Hosea says it like this (and pardon the language, but God's Word is not shy), "For a spirit of whoredom has led them astray, and they have left their God to play the whore" (4:12). Recently I left my God in a spirit of whoredom searching for the gods of perfection, acceptance, and relevance. My classroom is not at all what I intended it to be. I fail over and over again, and I grow anxious over how I appear to the rest of the school. I neglect my identity as a child of God and co-heir with Christ. Instead I get wrapped up in my desires to be a perfectionist who has the adoration of those around him. Now, as this god of mine has proven to be nothing more than a pile of rubbish, I am lost. Even the things that were in check, are in an out-of-control tailspin. While I know running back into the arms of my Father is what I need, I continue to whore myself around to other unsatisfying things. This is where the song reminds me of my Father:

I stumbled and fell in the road on the way home, Hosea, Hosea. I lay in the brick street like a stray dog. You came to me like a silver moon with the saddest smile I ever knew. Hosea carried me home again. Home again.

You called me out to the Valley of Trouble just to look at the mess that I've made, a barren place where nothing can grow. One look and my stone heart crumbled--it was a valley as green as jade. I swear it was the color of hope. You turned a stone into a rose, Hosea.

My Father, the faithful husband, goes in pursuit of me even while I am in the act of adultery! When He finds me half-dead and spent on worthless gods, He carries me back to Himself. He has every right to leave me in the street after all I have done to Him. Thankfully, His grace, mercy, and love overcome my unfaithfulness.

I would love to say I am at the point, where my heart is made new, and I declare my faithfulness to Him alone. In all honesty, I have just been carried home, and shown the realities of my corrupt heart. I understand my actions were not the root of the problem; my heart is. My heart has grown callous and stone-like despite of God's grace. He is beginning the process of turning it back into flesh, which is painfully hard. I have to let go of the gods I have been carrying for most of my life, because there is no room for them with Him. My eyes are opened, and the Spirit is now leading. I haven't revealed the end of the song yet, because I am not there. It offers me to hope of what will happen and the strength to persevere through the pain and hardship.

I sang and I danced like I did as a young girl, Hosea, Hosea. I am a slave and a harlot no more. You washed me clean like a summer rain and you set me free with that ball and chain. Hosea, I threw away the key. I’ll never leave.

I want to start my first post in a while with a shameless plug. For those of you who don't do so start reading 4thanddone.com. It is my newest favorite blog, and happens to be authored by my brother. It's all about sports (mainly football), but his musings are both worth reading and hilarious at the same time. It always promises to get me laughing because I am one of the few people who truly appreciate his humor. It reminds me of the laughs we shared as kids, which were numerous...

...Actually, my plug serves as a nice segue into today's ramblings. Teaching has kept me extremely busy over the last couple of weeks. My free time is spent planning, grading, and thinking about doing those things. Thankfully, God's grace continues to sustain me despite my tendency to lack perseverance.

As a part of His grace, I was able to make the long (1:40 is long to me) trek home as we celebrated the coming birth of my first niece/nephew. Physically, the weekend was exhausting. My aforementioned brother ran the male members of my family into the ground with 3 hours of basketball followed by 2 of football. My body is still sore, but the time spent was well worth it. Spiritually (emotionally, or whatever you want to call it), the weekend was fulfilling. For me, there are few things in this world better than time with my family (extended as well seeing as my cousins also joined the festivities). We may fight and argue, but those soon fade as we laugh, play, encourage, and enjoy our time together. As we have gotten older and distances further, the time proves sweeter as we push through shallow pleasantries straight towards God-designed fellowship. God fills us with what He created us for through the love displayed when we are together.

In spite of the joy I experienced over the weekend, I still came away with a sense of grief. Why does the family of God not reflect how I interact with my family? What is so different about a biological family that makes the spiritual family less significant? Some say it is because of the wide array of opinions, perspectives, and backgrounds represented in the body of Christ. While I acknowledge these, a biological family struggles with them as well. Ask any member of my family about one particular issue, and you will get a variety of responses. We butt heads all the time without letting our love falter (though it can get pushed to the brink).

Ephesians 2:19: So then you are no longer strangers and aliens, but you are fellow citizens with the saints and members of the household of God, built on the foundation of the apostles and prophets, Christ Jesus himself being the cornerstone,

This isn't another call for unity, because I think those calls miss the heart of the issue. Instead, it is a call for a building inspection. We have built immaculate houses with inadequate foundations. If, and when, we establish Christ as our cornerstone, meaningless arguing within the family of God (established through the life, death, resurrection, and glorification of Jesus Christ) will cease. We will look for opportunities to foster familial relationships demonstrating horizontally what we already are vertically. Will we agree on every jot and tittle? No. Will every time together be sweet? No. Will sin be wiped out? No. What will happen is fewer splits over personal convictions and more sharpening of biblical doctrine. We will experience the fellowship God created us for along with fellowship we all desperately desire. Who knows, maybe we will actually believe it when we sing "I'm so glad I'm a part of the family of God..."