...and there she is! It has taken me more time than I ever wanted to spend, but she is finished (actually there is much more I will be adding next week, but she's good enough for display). On Monday morning those desks will be filled with twenty-four fourth graders of all shapes and sizes. I am excitingly anxious for the upcoming year and getting to interact with each and every one these youngsters. My hope is, as I teach them, they will be able to teach me more about our great God (Matthew 11:25-26). And it is because of Him, I am here willing to be used for His glory.

(If you were wondering about the back right corner by my desk all I can say is yes those are my old posters. My classroom would be incomplete if it were lacking in the display of various sports paraphernalia...and a sweet looking globe)

wait for the Lord

The title-quote is from Psalm 27:14. It has been my meditation for the past week as I am anxious about the start of the school year, finding a church, getting settled, and everything else sitting on my plate. In the midst of my active waiting, I came across one of my pictures from Utah, which brought to mind a promise of God to those who come to Him and wait. It is a well known promise I often overlook, but its truth resounds nonetheless:




"He leads me besides still waters. He restores my soul." ~Psalm 23:2-3)

for no one desires to comment his own dunghill

I was going to make a post today with the intent of tooting my own horn in the name of spiritual growth, but, thankfully, my pride tripped me up before I could get there. Instead, I simply want to post the quote that serves as my title and a response to that title from the book of Puritan prayers called, The Valley of Vision. It serves as a smack in my own face, and demonstrates the selfishly unwanted and scary truth of what it means to be at the foot of the cross. So, in light to my love of a dunghill:

"Thou blessed Spirit, author of all grace and comfort,

Come, work repentance in my soul; represent sin to me in its odious colours that I may hate it; Melt my heart by the majesty and mercy of God;

Show me my ruined self and the help there is in him;

Teach me to behold my Creator, his ability to save, his arms outstretched, his heart big for me.

May I confide in his power and love, commit my soul to him without reserve, bear his image, observe his laws, pursue his service, and be through time and eternity a monument to the efficacy of his grace, a trophy of his victory.

Make me willing to be saved in his way, perceiving nothing in myself, but all in Jesus:

Help me not only to receive him but to walk in him, depend on him, commune with him, be conformed to him, follow him, imperfect, but still pressing forward, not complaining of labour, but valuing rest, not murmuring under trials, but thankful for my state.

Give me that faith which is the means of salvation, and the principle and medium of all godliness;

May I be saved by grace through faith, live by faith, feel the joy of faith, do the work of faith.

Perceiving nothing in myself, may I find in Christ wisdom, righteousness, sanctification, redemption."

what ever happened to forgiveness?

For those who haven't heard (though by now that seems almost impossible), Michael Vick signed a contract with the Philadelphia Eagles yesterday. It is his first step towards getting his life back on track, or at least moving in the positive direction. The first thing I want to say is that regardless of personal feelings towards Vick and his actions, I can't help but feel a little bit glad about his second chance. True discipline is not meant to embarrass or destroy, but restore the individual back to where they were before their fall (as God does with us). I am not saying Vick has everything back on track, because that would imply I know more than the rest of you when I don't. I am just saying that thus far, his discipline has achieved its intended purpose; the rest is on His shoulders. I am hopeful for his situation because I can already see the effects of his mentor Tony Dungy, a Spirit-filled man, playing out (If you haven't read his memoir Quiet Strength, I would encourage you to do so).

Probably the more frustrating and sad aspect of this entire ordeal is the response from many in the surrounding Philadelphia area. Watching the news and reading stories has led me to believe that we have lost the ability to forgive those who seek repentance (and be ready to for those who do not). Ephesians 4:32 says, "Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you." It is true that Vick engaged in a cruel and disgusting act by orchestrating a dog fighting arena. However, he has suffered the consequences for his actions, and he is actively seeking to redeem that which he can. Plus, are any of us any better than him? Paul said in I Timothy 1:15, "Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners - of whom I am the worst." This coming from the second most renown individual of our faith (Christ obviously being the first). I think the problem is that we (and when I say "we", I certainly mean "I") really don't believe what Paul says. We are the only ones who know what goes on in our own hearts and minds. We see the dirt and filth whether we chose to address it or not. Our problem is we are too busy pointing at others when they fall that we fail to see the ugliness in ourselves. This leads to a judgmental attitude that lacks the ability to forgive those who slip up along the way. We think we somehow deserve forgiveness because we are not as bad as the other guy, when in fact we are just as far away. Maybe if we took to heart Christ's words about forgiveness, we might react the same way the angels do when a sinner repents: with a joyful heart at the evidence of God's grace in others.

faith like a child

It's been a rainy day here in Ocean City, MD after a beautiful week of sunshine and intense heat. This has left for a lot of time to sit around and relax indoors as opposed to in the midst of sweltering heat. This has allowed me time to reflect on my moving forward once this vacation ends. In a little more than two weeks I will be embarking upon my career as a public educator. I am excited about the opportunity of having a classroom of my own, while also anxious about the work and my overall effectiveness. Seeing this day coming for the past three months, my time with God recently has involved a significant amount of faith refining. I have asked Him to work out the dross in my faith, and He has faithfully answered each and every one of those requests. Ironically, the most intense refining has been occurring over my vacation (particularly with my interactions with one of my fellow vacationers).

In Matthew 18:3 Jesus says, "Truly, I say to you, unless you turn and become like children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven." Thankfully, this verse has been made a harsh reality as I have spent many hours this week with a very special three year old. Typically, we like to think of this image depicting children as fully trusting those in authority over them all the time. The child I have been blessed to be around this week has given me a clearer picture. His faith is not without questions. Actually, it is quite the opposite. He has a question for just about everything under the sun, and he is never afraid to ask it. Could this be the faith God is calling us to? Could He be saying that while we think we aren't as bad as this child, we are actually much worse? I think to some extent this is what God is saying. I also think there is another aspect I tend to overlook.

Faith is not blind. We are not called to leave behind wisdom and knowledge for the sake of the plunge. Instead we are called to seek wisdom through God and His Word. However, there are times when God does call us to simply lay aside all our questions and follow Him. In the case of my three year old friend, it is usually during the simplest tests. He is filled with questions when everything doesn't make sense, but he is ready to follow when everything seems simple. The funny thing to me is that I tend to behave in the opposite manner. I will let go of my desire to lead when the path seems unclear. I fear getting lost, and gladly want God to blaze the path. However, once the path becomes more clear I want control back because I think I can find the way. For some reason when the everything is laid out clear in front of me, my faith in God weakens. I expect Him to help with the big things, but fear He leaves with the small. This concept never crosses the mind of a child, which is what I believe God is trying to say. We can't ever think we are mature enough to do anything without God, no matter how simple the task may seem. Obviously, the faith of a child is filled with questions and unsurety, but they always come back to the faithfulness of those caring for them. Thankfully for Christians, God is still throwing a perfect game.

why the blog?

Before I get too far into this, I must send out two disclaimers. The first is never in a million years did I think I would be blogging. I was thoroughly opposed to every shape and form of blogging I had ever experienced. However, in light of my recent defeat at the hands of Facebook, I now go all in with this blog. Second, I must give credit to my sister who started her own blog which challenged and encouraged me to do the same. This blog is mostly for myself, but I hope that at times it may encourage those who read it or at least get them thinking. I don't care if they agree or disagree as long as it elicits some reaction on a deeper level...

With that said, welcome to my blog! It is a culmination of the last two years needing to be put down in writing somewhere other than my journal, along with anticipation for the year ahead. To give you an update, I am starting my second year out of college and am getting ready to embark upon my new career in a matter of weeks. The journey to this point has been marked by trial, laughter, tears of sorrow and joy, a lot of prayer, reading, and meditation, and daily struggling to grapple with the plans God has in store for me.

This leads me now to the title of my blog. Peniel is the name Jacob gave to the place where he wrestled with God, and then lived to see another day. For those of you who don't know the story, I encourage you to read Genesis 32:22-32 for yourselves. In quick summary, Jacob is about to meet his estranged brother Esau (who he expects has every desire to kill Jacob) with his entire life investments alongside him (wives, children, livestock, servants, etc.). He goes off on his own and wrestles God, in the form of a man, demanding to be blessed. In the end, he receives his blessing (a new name) as well as a dislocated hip to remind him of his struggle. (Now to find out the rest of the story, I want you to go read it instead of me spoiling it for you). What this particular story has to do with me is nothing more than it generally sums up my experiences with God over the past two years: wrestling which leads to blessing.

The reality of the passage never really set in until I read Psalm 10 last week. The style of this Psalm is repeated often throughout the book (Psalms 13, 17, 22, 55, and others), and it is a style that fascinates me every time I encounter it. These particular Psalms all depict the writer (whether David or one of the many other writers) in the midst of an intense trial that includes some level of suffering. As they suffer, these men find out what it means to really wrestle with God and His promises. In the midst of the pain and suffering, they go to God with questions such as, "Why, O Lord, do you stand far away? Why do you hide yourself in times of trouble?" Now to most of us, these words seem judgmental and irreverent. How can finite man accuse God of silently standing by? The answer is because they aren't accusing God of anything. The only thing these men are guilty of is falling before the throne of grace and laying themselves bare before their King (which is never easy to do). They ignore the self-righteous and religious call to clean ourselves up if we expect to enter into God's presence, and choose to come before Him in whatever condition they find themselves in. And this is where the wrestling begins...

Now the writers take it one step further, calling God to action on their behalf. They claim His promises revealed through His Word and character about saving those in need (Zephaniah 3:17). Like Jacob, they desire a blessing, but are unsure of the manner in which it will be provided. Sometimes it may be deliverance from the trial, while other times it may be continued comfort along the way. Either way, the wrestling is not done in order to get God to do what we want, but to conform our will to His good, perfect, and pleasing will (Romans12:2). We never wrestle God with the hopes of winning, but with the expectation that He will wreak havoc on our will. We cry out the same words of the father of the possessed boy in Mark 9:24, "I believe; help my unbelief!" And now the amazing work of grace becomes evident...

Each of these Psalms ends with a loud exclamation of the greatness of our God. They have seen the fruits of their wrestling with God, and the aligning of our will to His. "O Lord, you hear the desire of the afflicted; you will strengthen their heart; you will incline your ear" (Psalm 10:17). Were these men necessarily delivered from their struggle and trial? No, but they saw afresh the workings of God's grace and reality of His promises. This world is filled with pain, sorrow, and struggle, but God will never leave us or forsake us (Hebrews 13). This fact alone does nothing more than draw us closer to the Father with a heart full of praise and adoration for the God of our salvation, both in this life and, especially, the next.

So what I leave with now is a challenge to myself and everyone else who finds themselves in a season of trial or victory. My challenge is not to be afraid to wrestle with God. If I am completely honest with myself, I am excited, and yet afraid, of the wrestling I will be doing over the next year with our sovereign God. It will be painful and humiliating, but I am assured that it will be more than worth it. Throughout the pages of the Bible we see men (and women) such as Jacob, Joseph, Ruth, Esther, David, Mary, Jesus, Paul, and many others wrestling over the plan God had laid out for their lives. It isn't wrong to wrestle as long as our motive is to be changed and not accuse God of injustice (because God is anything but unjust given our nature and track record). It isn't easy, as I am continually learning, but God promises to bless those who earnestly seek after Him...as long as we willingly step into the ring.

*As a side note, not all of my entries will be this long or involved. Hopefully, they will somehow draw back to this idea (given the name of the blog), but sometimes they may not. I might include humorous stories, words of encouragement, inspirational pictures, or anything else I may feel like. As I stated above, my desire is simply to get us thinking differently about faith, and how it plays out in everyday life.