there and back again

It's been roughly three months since I made the decision to leave teaching and pursue God's leading in ministry. I have yet to experience any regret, and, hopefully, I won't at all. In fact, the past few months have brought along a overwhelming sense of peace. Life's not perfect, but where God has me right now is where I am certain He wants me. My prayer is to stay in that spot even as I move forward over the next few months and years.

Recently, however, I have grown frustrated with my lack of time and energy. Most of my frustration revolves around the absence of quality time being spent with the One who is leading me. My mornings start on the earlier side while my evenings end on the later. In between I never seem to have enough time to complete all the things I want. My desire to leave teaching one year earlier was supposed to give me time to seek God's will more actively, without as many distractions. I would be able to read, pray, study, write, meditate, fast (on occasions), serve, and a lot more with all this time. Everything started on that track until I quickly started filling up my empty time slots with an assortment of different activities.

Starting late last week, God started showing me reasons why I was so tired and void of any motivation to seek after Him throughout the course of my day. As I have been observing, comfort and control have slowly reentered the scene, particularly in the area of finances. I have more than enough to pay my bills, but I want more for the future. One of the strongest pulls I felt from God for this year was to let go of my desire for control in all areas of my life. When I did I felt liberated, but over the past few months I have allowed it to bind me once again.

A significant portion of my time these days is centered on making as much money as I can. My motives for doing so are not wrong. I won't be working for roughly three months. I need to start saving up so I can pay for seminary. My car is going to die any day now, and I don't want to be stranded. However, these motivations are trumping my motivation to spend time with my heavenly Father. He is the only One who can satisfy all my needs (Matthew 6:25-34). I started off with this being my goal. Now I am learning how much work and perseverance it requires to see that goal become a reality.