oh the places we will go

Since July 27th, Andrew Peterson's Counting Stars has been blaring through my speakers. The first song, Many Roads, in particular really struck a chord with me. It describes a lot of the spiritual roller coaster that has been the past 3-4 weeks. I have walked many roads in my twenty four years on this earth, but the number seems to have multiplied recently. If my life were a map, I think it would look like a corn maze moving every which direction. At first I grew discouraged about this. Part of me felts as though I spent a lot of wasted time doing various things. Nothing really stuck for me, especially since graduating college. Through the work of the Spirit, I have been challenged to look differently at all the places/experiences God has led me to over the years. The first verse and chorus of this song describe my prayer for a new outlook.

You can see the roads that we all traveled just to get here

A million miniscule decisions in a line

Why they brought us to this moment isn’t clear

But that’s all right, we’ve got all night

Could it be that the many roads

I took to get here

Were just for you to tell that story

And for me to hear that song

And my many hopes

And my many fears

Were meant to bring me here all along

We were meant to be right here all along

I've got "all night" to figure out why God has moved the way He did to get me to this point. I could have skipped Messiah college, substituting, full-time teaching, and many other things while still standing at the place I am today. God chose to use those things for reasons I understand and some I do not. One day I might know, but I may never know this side of eternity. I simply trust and have faith that He designed for me to follow each and every step to get where I currently stand. He's been using my hopes and fears to drive me along. My story is daily being written, and the Author of Life is the writer.

Much to my chagrin, I spent the past two days preparing for the beginning of school. For now it looks like I will be spending at least the first week in the classroom. While it's not my desire, I know God has me there for a reason. I don't know what that is, but I do know He is faithful. If He wants me serving in missions this year, He will get me there in His time.

Anyways, I actually learned (more like relearned) something over the past couple of days. I like being around people. One blessing coming from going back to work has been my interactions with my fellow teachers. Surprisingly they have been extremely supportive and, some, jealous (or so they say) of my decision. I received a number of "congratulations" while sadness for my leaving. Apparently, they enjoyed having me around as much as I enjoyed working with them. Last year, they did an excellent job of helping out a struggling first-year teacher with advice, much-needed laughs, encouragement, and, sometimes, criticism. They were also not afraid to be open with me about their lives. Some even went as far as to share struggles in their families' and personal lives. Looking back on it now, it was one way in which God enabled me to speak the gospel in everyday situations. Sometimes it takes leaving to open our eyes to see things such as these.

On a less spiritual level, the people I worked alongside last year were simply fun to be around. Faculty meetings, private conversations, and other rendezvouses usually ended with some good-natured ribbing or joke. I think this will be one of the aspects of teaching I will miss the most. Early on, I was not a big fan of being around people too much. I would fulfill what I thought was polite when it came to being social. Over the past few years, my attitude has undergone a significant change. I look forward to engaging with people on all levels. A number of teachers asked me to keep them informed with my plans as well as update them on how the mission field is treating me. If anything, it's another avenue for me to share the good news of Jesus Christ. Praise God!

As I gaze upon my unclear avenue of ministry, I am able to see how my desire for fellowship will be beneficial to wherever God places me. I thank Him for the people He has already allowed me to cross paths with and look forward to the many more to come.

At the foot of the cross

At the cross I bow my knee

Where your blood was shed for me

There’s no greater love than this

You have opened up the grave

Your glory fills the highest place

Nothing separates me now

These words by the Hillsong always lead me back to a state of humility. At the foot of the cross there is no room for pride or self-righteous arrogance. There is only awe. Why would the only true, sovereign God sacrifice Himself for me, a rebellious creature? For the first time in my life, I got to actually receive a glimpse of what it is like to be physically at the foot of the cross.

Sure this was merely a relic and not the actual cross of Christ. Of course, Christ is not on the cross now. And yes, it was in a church maybe for the purpose of showing off to other churches. Whatever the reason, there is no denying the sanctity and reality of that scene. At one point in time, our God was nailed to a cross for thousands to mock and jeer. He suffered the wrath of the Father physically and spiritually for the sake of the lost.

As I gazed upwards, barely seeing the head over the feet nailed together, I felt an overwhelming sense of grief, amazement, and gratitude rush over me all at the same time. My sin put Christ on the cross. Regardless, He hung there for me. Now, I have shalom with the Father and an eternal hope.

In that moment I prayed a silent prayer of confession for my lack of truly embracing and being overcome by the truth of the gospel. Then, I joyfully thanked God for His grace which saved me once and for all, and continues to save me each and every day.

When I survey the wondrous cross

On which the Prince of Glory died

My richest gain, I count but loss

And pour contempt on all my pride

willing submission

Since I have shared with nearly everyone I have come in contact with over the last week, I might as well make it "official" with a post. As of Monday, I left my position as a fourth grade teacher in order to pursue God's calling on my life in the area of ministry. What area might that be? Right now I am not sure. My goal in "taking the year off" was to plug myself into different avenues of ministry in order to get a feel of where God wants to use my gifts and passions to further the work of the gospel.

My first planned avenue was (and still is) missions. I believe God desires for me to give Him a significant amount of my time and energy serving Him somewhere. Since returning from Italy, I have been in contact with various missionaries and organizations. A couple of options have risen which we draw me out of the states for anywhere between 3 and 6 months. It's definitely a test of my comfort levels, but I am excited at what God will do in and through me.

The plan to forgo teaching is extremely recent as my original intent was to teach one more year, and then enter seminary next fall. Seminary is still on the table, but I finally warmed up to the idea of teaching being absent during my time in Italy. In fact, upon my return home I was not only ready to leave teaching behind, I was in full agreement. God changed my heart from reluctance to willing submission. I was ready (and still am) to dive out of the boat.

Unfortunately, my teaching contract is going to drag this process out longer than I expected. I understood the lateness of my request (two weeks before school), but I know God is more than capable of establishing His will. I went in today in order to prepare the classroom while they searched for my replacement. Now, it seems as though I will start off the year in the classroom as a "lame-duck" (my words not theirs) teacher until they find my official replacement. It's a significant downer for me given the change I underwent over the past three weeks. My heart's desire now is to be serving in one of the opportunities laid before me, not teaching. Thankfully, God works miracles, and He has options. He is more than capable of bringing in my replacement between now and the first day of school (roughly 1 week). He is also more than capable of changing my heart for however long He would have me in the classroom. He can also have me in the classroom for a time, while still being able to begin raising support and finalizing my destination. He could also go somewhere completely different. Either way I pray I can echo Paul's sentiments in 1 Corinthians 16:5-9 (emphasis mine):

I will visit you after passing through Macedonia, for I intend to pass through Macedonia, and perhaps I will stay with you or even spend the winter, so that you may help me on my journey, wherever I go. For I do not want to see you now just in passing. I hope to spend some time with you, if the Lord permits. But I will stay in Ephesus until Pentecost, for a wide door for effective work has opened to me, and there are many adversaries.

I don't know what's in store, but I pray the Lord is permitting everything He has ordained for me, and that my eyes sees the wide door in front of me. Wherever that door may lead.

Comfort from Rebuke

Where were you when I laid the foundation of the earth? Tell me, if you have understanding. Who determined its measurements-surely you know! Or who stretched the line upon it? On what were its bases sunk, or who laid its cornerstone, when the morning stars sang together and all the sons of God shouted for joy?

Or who shut in the sea with doors when it burst out from the womb, when I made clouds its garment and thick darkness its swaddling band, and prescribed limits for it and set bars and doors, and said 'Thus far shall you come, and no farther, and here shall your proud waves be stayed'?

Have you commanded the morning since your days began, and caused the dawn to know its place..?

Where is the way to the dwelling of light, and where is the place of darkness, that you may take it to its territory and that you may discern the paths to its home?

~Job 38:4-12, 19-21

I don't know about you, but I can't answer "yes" to any of those questions God placed before Job. And that is something I take great comfort in.

A break from the heaviness

My most recent posts carried a lot of weight to them. Apparently the weight was more than just metaphorical. I was told the depth of my breathing last night was very heavy. By the grace of God, I awoke feeling lighter than usual. I guess I did most of my weight lifting in my sleep. Anyways, Italy was filled with many serious and weighty moments. However, it was also filled with many lighter and more enjoyable ones. Take for instance our first night in Rome. We were tired from riding in the car and walking the city, so Jordan and I decided to spend the rest of the night relaxing in the hotel. We bought some Cokes (in glass bottles no less) to further the relaxing mood. As most people do, we turned on the television hoping for something familiar we could unwind to. And what did we find?

If you think you are seeing Jack Shephard on the screen you would be correct? We found the series finale of LOST (my favorite show ever) in Italian. The voices were no where near the same, but the story did not change. As we watched, we translated parts based solely on our memory of watching the series finale with a group of friends. Despite not being unable to understand most of it, we thoroughly enjoyed the viewing. It reminded me how much I enjoyed watching the show amongst the company of friends every week for the last 6 years.

Waiting

My time in Italy allowed for multiple opportunities to make significant progress with my book pile. One book provided an in-depth look at the story of Jonah to expose the relentless pursuit of God for His rebellious children as well as the hearts of those rebellious children.

One chapter looked at Jonah’s anger at the repentance of the people of Nineveh. Towards the end of the chapter, the scope changed to look at how God works despite the motives and efforts of His people. The Bible reminds us over and over again of how God judges the heart while we focus on what’s outside. To be fully obedient to God our hearts need to be behind our actions. We can be physically obedient while having our hearts nowhere near God’s target. However, God’s power is still able to accomplish His purpose regardless. In Jonah’s case, God brought about repentance for an entire city even with Jonah’s reluctant and half-hearted efforts.

This spoke as a challenge to me because I am always aware of the motives behind my actions. I do not want to do anything for motives other than serving God and bringing Him glory (obviously easier said than done). However, sometimes I can be overly analytical about my own motives. I let them cripple me and my ability to move forward. Surprisingly this chapter had something to say about that too. It gave me a clear-cut response I had a hard time swallowing.

“If you’re waiting to make a decision or to step forward in obedience to God’s guidance because you want to make sure your motives are perfectly pure-you’ll be waiting until you die.”

The digesting began during the trip, and now the nutrients need to rush through my bones.