the cycle

Sin sucks.

Pardon my bluntness and mild level of vulgarity. But there is no denying the truth of the matter. As one who is redeemed, sin poses an even larger "suckiness" because, as Paul described, I hate and, yet, love it all at the same time. The Spirit within me wants nothing to do with it, but the flesh inside tries to hold on as long as it can. The only cure is to daily crucify the flesh to the Spirit. Unfortunately, that is always easier said than done. I look forward to the day when sin's defeat becomes a physical reality. All praise will be rendered to God like never before on that day!

Until then, I learn to hate, grieve, confess, and learn from my sins. While all are often arduous tasks, I find the grieving part to be the most difficult. Where is the fine line between Godly grief over the horrific nature of our sins and the worldly grief over the consequences and frequency? One leads to confession and worship, while the other opens the door to intense shame. Initial guilt is not necessarily bad because the Spirit can us it to bring us to the point of confession. When left it leads to doubt in regards to the forgiveness, mercy, grace, and love of the Father.

I find myself trying to "play the game" of dealing with my sin. Whether it is revealed to me or a swan dive right into, I immediately start juggling. It starts with a debate about confessing right away or letting it "sick in." Which do I think is the "holier" thing to do? Next comes rehashing the entire scenario again and again. Here guilt makes its home within. This way I can be "truly" sorry for what I done. It's not quite self-mutilation, but it's a close cousin. Finally, I convince myself that I have "suffered" enough. Now I have "proven" my sincerity before God allowing Him the ability to extend the forgiveness and freedom I am looking for. I mean I earned it, right?

This entire cycle is a disgusting twist of the gospel. God doesn't want to play games with me and my sin. He has every right to, but doesn't come down in His wrath over what I have done. Sure, I can be certain that discipline will come, but the motive behind it is altogether radical. He doesn't want to berate or dangle my sins over me until the guilt is too much to bear. He wants to remove them as far as the east from the west. His love and mercy draw me in with a desire to confess and find the freedom I desperately need. His discipline brings liberation not condemnation. He does it because He loves me and knows what's absolutely best for me. In this case confession, redemption, and freedom.

A song, Times, by Tenth Avenue North captures the struggles of my cycle while trumping them with the promises of God through Christ.

Now You pull me near You
When we're close, I fear You
Still I'm afraid to tell You, all that I've done
Are You done forgiving?
Oh can You look past my pretending?
Lord, I'm so tired of defending, what I've become
What have I become?

Well, My love is over, it's underneath.
It's inside, it's in between.
These times you're healing, and when your heart breaks.
The times that you feel like you're falling from grace.

I'm there in your sorrow, under the weight of your shame.
I'm there through your heartache.
I'm there in the storm.
My love I will keep you, by My pow'r alone.
I don't care where you fall, where you have been.
I'll never forsake you, My love never ends.
It never ends.